I never considered myself the best looking fellow around, but I have always comfortable in the fact that I was just “me,” Jerk, Akil. I never wanted to seem arrogant but I was confidant in my abilities to meeting women. Now I’m not saying that I can have any woman I wanted, but if I glanced at her then I felt…excuse me, I feel I have a chance at her. This is not the medium for tips or to be a manual for meeting a woman but humor el and personality will always be of value when exchanging words with a woman. At one point, I could be envied by old kings and husbands, being blessed to be in the presence of a high quality and quantity of women.
It once was cool at the age of maybe 12 to leave the Friday night, dances with my compadres, compare the amount of numbers we left with, and brag about how much attention we were showered with that night. Then we became older, allowing for puberty and hormones to distract us from maturity.
The traditional model maturity: a man finds this lady whom to him is beautiful, he has her fall in love with him and then makes her an honest woman. He gives her security and provides for her. But during our journey we get distracted by the remnants of old pimps, jaded rappers living in opulence, and the residue of pain we ourselves seem to carry with us from the rare heartbreaks. Its considerably rare because men love deeply but not often.
Honestly, that’s partially my reasoning for establishing a former reputation, unintentionally, as a lady’s man. I never embraced that connotation because I feel I had to embrace an identity. But I didn’t, I think it was an error that I grew up, raised and matured during. Just like young men were courting to mating, so were young ladies, everybody was excited to be a bit curious.
Wasn’t even the thought of heart ache but the head ache that I experienced from a failed relationship was convincing and painted a stress free picture. Brief history lesson: my first real relationship was with my son’s mother. We were once high school sweethearts and went through years not understanding what it takes to maintain a relationship. Then we had a boy and basically decided to focus on just being parents, but that’s another fruitful story that you have to remind me to remind you to return to the blog so that you can read and share with your friends who didn’t stutter in class when they read.
So, back to validating smooth rap lyrics and competing with my friends again. I was in that post college age, dating women and playing the gentleman. Part poet and part promoter, there never was a dull moment. Again, all of this was done to fuel my ego. All of it was on the surface. I cared just enough for most of the women but only loved a few. One in particular was a friend and a companion. She was the only woman during a good time that I would spend the night with, but not saying I was committed or even monogamous. And she knew it, although, I don’t recall I ever telling her.
She would always ask me was I in love with her or just loved her. Now, to save face my reply was always “YES”. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, there was a doubt. The doubt had nothing to do with her, however. It was all on me. I wasn’t certain of a few things. Was it all the women I encountered? Was it my past? Was I being selfish? Or something else? What did I need from her to make that next step? Well, it was a culmination of all of that and some. Remember, I’m still on the clock and no woman would be accepting just a statement. She needs an explanation, a dissertation in fact.
“STALL HIM OUT DEBO.”
“If you’re in love with me then why won’t we just be together.” I remember her saying this because although I wanted to finagle and avoid the question at the time. I couldn’t. It happened to be 4 am, I’m naked under the covers with what was the last day of a Florida winter keeping me snuggled and not having the option to act like I was sleep because I just came in from a late date with another woman. And even though, I may never have told her verbatim of how many other women I entertained, she knew and for her personal reasoning, she accepted it.
As I was laying there, thoughts racing but no excuses. I respected her too much and after so much time, it gets tiresome. So, of course I told her I wasn’t ready. Now, let me explain by what I mean by not ready. I had the ego to meet other women and maintain the surface and superficial catering. But I wasn’t fully confident that I could sustain a relationship with this beautiful woman. She was a model, she had a son, but she wanted it now. I couldn’t give her what she desired.
After so much time of playing the field, there was comfort in knowing that these romps with women only lasted a few weeks and there was no need to meet any expectations. Logic kept me warmer than my heart did at the time. If I pissed off whoever I was dating, then we could say “good bye” with no regard. A woman could only get on my nerves if I cared for and trusted her. A big problem. If you are conflicted in confiding in someone, that you has never gave you reason to believe them of being distrustful, then not trusting them is your problem.
I trusted her to an extent, because no she didn’t give me a reason to think otherwise. In fact, her character and actions translated that she was loyal. As a matter of fact, this was the reason I slept easy around her. However, I couldn’t trust her because I held her accountable for what some other women have showed me. It’s backwards thinking and carry over.
Basically, in a sense I’m confirming that I deserved it all. What sense does this make: Woman A did wrong when she was expected do right, and as a result, woman B will do just as wrong because woman A did not do right and she is a woman and I don’t deserve for any woman to stand by myside. The truth is that’s nonsense but somewhere in my subconscious, former thinking, and what exists with so many guys and women who hold people to an experience they share with someone else, like its not 7.4 billion other people in this world of varying differences. I guess generalizing makes it easier to keep our hearts protected.
Now, saying that to myself sounds stupid. And I’m sure when I told her “well, we’ve talked about this before and you know I don’t want to get hurt again.” How can anyone accept that as an answer that the person they were in love with would not commit because they were too scary to let go and dance freely-often the advice given to young lovers. Her argument was that she not her and what made me think she would hurt you me. Hell, probably hurt her more that she’s apologizing for someone else’s transgressions. Again, it was ill logic. Hindsight is 20/20 and now none of it makes sense.
Now, what does makes sense is the other reason I wouldn’t commit to her. The truth is, I wasn’t enjoying life, having fun but it wasn’t fulfilling. By that, I mean I wasn’t satisfied nor happy with my state of living. I knew of what I had accomplished but stop thriving at and basically, stop living and began just existing. I wasn’t proud of that. I was getting further away from promoting, performing and creating. NO creating at all. I came home exhausted from working 10 to 16 hour days, to get a couple extra dollars. At that time I wasn’t satisfied to what life had given me or I should say, I should have been putting more of an effort towards my goals, finishing school, writing books, traveling doing poetry. I wasn’t losing my fervor but killing my passions.
I would never be happy in a relationship with any woman until I’m happy with what I’ve accomplished in life. Parallel to the idea that a person is unable to actively love someone else until they love themselves, I wasn’t always able to recognize the correlation, but it exists. That’s not to say just because you are learning to love yourself, identify your truth that don’t deserve to be loved. NO! In fact, that may be the time you need someone to confirm that you are worth loving. But loving yourself, being of your truth makes you receptive to love from the outside.
Imagine, being on the outside looking in at what you’re talented at and knowing the value of milestones but not doing anything to attain them. Procrastination is a lack of confidence in getting things done. I didn’t stand up to my own expectations; although, by nature, I’m an optimist and never feel it’s ever over, failure was closing in. Especially, when your life seemingly keeps sitting in the fastest car in the world and never choose to turn on the ignition. You can imagine passing these landmarks and seeing the beautiful country-sides to reaching your destination but you’re still sitting there, motion less.
How did could I commit to this woman when I’m not able to commit to my potential. I have to fulfill my potential and serve a purpose before I could be in a relationship because I recognized I would be detached. Not saying I didn’t love myself, but if I wasn’t complete and accepting of what was going on in my life, or lack there of, then there was no way I could give her my all. My all wasn’t there. I believe majority of the times a woman is involved with a man there are several factors involved why he may find it difficult to commit. The biggest one for me is being stagnant, not feeling alive or completing.
This can come in different forms from not working and not being able to provide. This is evident in some of those situations where a man has run from his responsibility and not seen his child for years because he couldn’t uphold the model of a man being the provider. Not that I was expected to provide for this woman, or her son that failed to mention but I would have brought her toward the threshold of misery if she had to try to fill the void of an empty space that only progression and accomplishment can seal. Maintaining the single and non-commitment status gave me both a chance to do that soul searching and finding.
And I did…that’s why I wrote this and how you’re able to read it.
But one thing I have learned is that it is never the right time for anything. You’ll never have the right amount of money; the moment may never come that’s ideal or conducive for what you want to do. You just have to do. Make it happen. Execute, and having faith or confidence in your abilities will have you do so. Unfortunately, I figured this law out several years after me and this wonderful woman were no longer an item. I guess she got tired of my shit and stopped dealing with me. She met someone else and I think he gave her more shit, but that has nothing to do with me and our totally platonic friendship now.