Through relationships and situation-ships, I’ve dealt with mild paralysis, leaving me motionless, allowing my mind to scurry and search for a solution. In fact, I’m convinced I have unearthed the rudimental core of paralyzing venom that’s found in many of the dangerous creatures. I’m pretty sure if you break down this toxin, you can find he same molecular structure as the statement “we need to talk.” Not to be confused with a question that is just as potent, the dreaded “So, where do you see us?” question, historically has caused kings to wince and saints to swear.
When men hear “we need to talk” a physiological response occurs. The multiple vibrations from the sound combined are a catalyst that the ear drum, in reaction, accelerates rapidly. Allowing for a cerebral Morse coded signal to alarm that alerts the brain to panic. In response, women should be prepared to always be met with the reaction of anxiety, urgency, and from a novice, desperate measures. Under dire circumstances, with your back against the wall and taken out of your comfort zone, anything is possible. I have faced the question in the trenches between love and lust with multiple women, multiple occasions addressing different situations and every time I contemplated gnawing my own arm to avoid answering whatever discomforting questions those ruthlessly beautiful women had devised.
Beautiful women come in the form of a mother of two, who musical views were a blend of the latest European fashion trend with hard core drug dealing anthems. We’ll call her Brat because I honestly found it kind of cute when she didn’t get her way and made a whiny fuss over it. She carried herself like an elegant southern belle even though she was from DC. At first it was flirts like I do often, carelessly. Most of my flirts are empty, until it became an open invitation to join me for breakfast. And she obliged, and after that we were just enjoying each other‘s company. We conversed, laughed, took long walks around the park and just let the attraction and lust carry us. Then one night, reality must set in, and its her knocking on your door after club hours. Her a little inebriated, me, well I had already had company, and the knock on my door wasn’t disrupted the serenity of all the trouble I planned on getting into.
The trouble was that night disrupted another chapter I will address, but Brat drove home that night with her first disappointment in me. It was unfamiliar at first glance, but I’m pretty sure disappointment facial features will always hold a place anyone’s memory. After that night and a couple days of establishing a few boundaries, as well as the omitted truth that allowed me to save face a bit, we continued dating. Now, that’s the red flag, for both of us. I was not invested in her yet. I enjoyed her but wasn’t looking toward commitment, just enjoying the casual time together, and occasional intense romps we shared. She seen something in my character presented itself as potential boyfriend. The conflict was that she wanted something I wasn’t willing to give. We just enjoyed the ride and I made sure to avoid any talks about any commitment. There’s an art to that, seminar classes later perhaps.
Enter the mixed signals. A couple months went by and it was noticeable that she was giving more than she was receiving. As her feelings increased, so did her expectations. I was no longer just a guy to kick it with, she seen potential in us being an item, maintaining a relationship. She was loyal. I didn’t give her a reason to be other than I treated her like a lady. She sacrificed more than I gave her. When I was sick, she was either fixing soup or trying to force me to take medicine. She paid for dinner some nights. I remember having my car towed, she drove me to another county, only to have her car transmission slip, and need her car towed. Get this, she paid for everything.
She was beyond loyal, she was devoted. She’s putting effort, sacrificing, and losing energy in this situation we were in. I wasn’t losing sleep, only just fighting feelings. My intentions were never to hurt her but they were selfish, didn’t care for her to buy me anything or need her to spoil me, but she was giving me something worth more, her time and attention and ENERGY. And even though I was able to reciprocate most of it, ENERGY can be bullshitted. After awhile, she probably thought to herself, what would be the result of her giving so much of herself to me and not having it returned.
I like to imagine during this time, she was home developing her plan of attack. And her first assault came with the a text message that said, “Hey, we need to talk…” I’m pretty sure she put that smiley face in the message as a decoy. My anxiety immediately shot up with my blood pressure for a brief second. Now, you may be asking “why” at this point; after all, she was getting most of my time leaving little opportunity to spend with anyone else, her period came on meaning she wasn’t pregnant, and last I checked, my test results were negative. Yes, all the extremes I could have worried about were not able to cause any problems. However, the truth remained; I wasn’t giving her my all. And Newtown’s 6th Law of Physics states that you can’t bullshit ENERGY because its pure, genuine.
The truth was that she deserved more from me, but my actions translated otherwise. And knowing this fact, brought this about instantaneous, guilty response. I was being selfish with my time, she may have came over daily, but at what hours, all we did was have sex, as I wanted to do, no talking, no resolving of minor tiffs but just intense sex. That was the only way I cared to convey my feelings to her, not through real actions. I was not taking her on dates, just occasional brunch. I wasn’t sending her flowers or cards written with romantic quotes, which would have been easy for me because I’m a known poet, but nope, not even those. I was avoiding meeting her family. She wanted to meet my mother and even the sex at one point was so intense, she told me afterwards, she was contemplated us having kids.
(I hope you subliminally place the record scratching sound effect when reading that, because that idea was sobering and alarming when I heard that.)
Wait, slow down…bear in mind when two people are moving at different velocities, the relationship is no longer a matter of balance but just a matter of time and how long it’ll take to come a halt. She was the giver, giving me her full attention. Remember I said she was loyal, she dated other guys she would have completely ignored and I was fine with that but if I wanted any future with this woman that should have bothered me. My actions were not of a man who wanted to settle down. And she knew that. Maybe the potential for me to be “that guy” was so great that she was willing to ignore it all. But I wasn’t being “that guy”.
Ironically, the guy that I presented to her kissed her passionately, talked respectfully to her, made her feel like a lady but not exactly my lady. I wasn’t willing to give her all my attention. When she asked how I felt, my responses were masked emotions along with my cool numbness. No birthday gifts, romantic getaways, maybe some genuine advice, hell, I went far enough to say I looked her in her eyes, directly, during sex but I kept her at arm’s distance. I didn’t want to be responsible for any mixed signals. But those actions or lack there of, translated that I wanted her but didn’t make it a priority to keep her.
People tweet, post on Facebook, and send massive chain emails and texts daily preaching the good word of modern day life coaches the relationship commandment, “thou shall not make anyone a priority who considers thou an option.” You would think you could find it possibly in the footnotes of Exodus. I wonder if any one tagged her in a post on Instagram with the quote or did she have her epiphany that I was running from committing and not giving her my all. There we were, finally, face to face. She confronted me with, “Soooooooo, how do you feel about me, us?”
Keep in mind I’ve been down this road before. I had an option to tell her a generic answer that probably would suffice and allow me a couple more days of not having to explain myself. However, I knew two thing: one, that no matter how much I didn’t recognize or wanted to deny it, feelings grew for her. Also, if I was going to tell her then I would have to show it and prove it, but I knew I wasn’t in love nor ready to settle down with her. Ok, so that’s more than two concerns. After I confessed the actuality that affirmed I had feelings but wasn’t in love, the conversation took an unfavorable turn.
“Soooooooooo, what plans do you for us being together?”
I’m almost certain this was one of those rhetorical questions. I didn’t really respond other than making a face. I figured she already had her mind made and just needed my confirmation that we didn’t want the same thing.
*Side note: if anyone suspects you of being a fool, they can only verify by you speaking.
We argued and I threw in every excuse I felt could in order to save face. Truth was, she was right, and if I expected us to be an item in the future then it would have been conveyed through my actions. I would have tried to call or check on how she was doing.
Men tend to convey our feelings through our actions. Maybe that’s where the phrase “love is a verb, not a noun” came from-a man. She deserved more than my selfishness. If you care or devoted to anyone or anything, you give. You give time, effort, comfort, and on occasion money. You give without expecting anything in return, selflessly, allowing the heart to take its own leap of faith. The person giving is taking out of the equation because the focus should be on the gift, not catering to egos or pride. Those deeds confirm your feelings physically. We argued more and she made her point. She had given all that she had to give. The romance was gone and due to me having trouble giving, she called me an “emotional coward”. And after all that truth spilling over, I had the audacity to be bothered by her calling me that. Tuh!
However, she considered me a great lover (good for my Ego at that time), and I guess that balance everything out. I don’t regret losing her but I appreciate her presence in hindsight. I don’t know how much she learned from our experience but the most important thing I learned is that when a woman says, “we need to talk” it serves you better to report her to the local authorities as a potential as a terrorist threat.